“I am not sure if God exists or not. These things cannot be proven and will always be a matter of faith, whether or not I believe in a higher power. I used to. But, I lost my faith in a god, because to me, it did not make sense in light of the fact that one could have faith in any set of beliefs. I have had many spiritual experiences. I grew up in a very “religious” home, that revolved around believing in Jesus Christ as the Son of God and as my personal Savior, and that the infilling of His Spirit and baptism in Jesus’ name was imperative to salvation from sin and spiritual death. I no longer embrace these beliefs.

My beliefs were, despite argument, engendered in fear. If I did not believe them, I was damned to hell. That was a very powerful hold to break on my mind. In the summer of 2005 (when I was 21), I was in a lot of emotional, spiritual and intellectual pain and struggle. This continued throughout the beginning of the next semester, because nothing seemed to make sense to me anymore. I was forced to face that my beliefs were just one of many, and everyone else had an equally legitimate reason to believe what they were believing. Why the Bible? Why not the Koran or the tablets that began Mormonism? I began to become very depressed about these thoughts and slowly realized that I was losing my faith even as I was fighting so hard to hold on. Only when I let go of them and faced all my fears did I find happiness and the freedom to be myself.”

JL, 22/F, Boston, agnostic

“God, in my opinion, is a creation of man. I don’t see why religions think that they are correct and the ancient Greek religions are absurd. They’re all the same to me. Plus, we all know the world has been around for more than 6,000 years. How many times must The Holy Bible be wrong for people to accept that maybe religion is just mysticism and not any sort of reality?”

19/m, Malden, MA, atheist

“I know G-d exists because there is no way to prove how perfect science works without Him. I believe in Heaven, I believe there is a lesser form of heaven that some would call Hell. I do believe in the soul being reincarnated, but that the person is completely different from the one the soul first came from.

Every man has a mission in life. Only when it is completed can the person die. I know that somewhere in my life, I will come across it.
I believe that death is not a bad thing when it happens at the right time. It only brings me and everyone else closer to the The King of all Kings.

I grew up immersed in the Jewish culture and beliefs, and was taught so much about it. In high school I decided that I didn’t want to be as involved during my college years. However, the more i was placed into situations where my secular friends were different than me, and I couldn’t go out to eat with them just anywhere, and I could never date someone who wasn’t Jewish, I realized that I could never leave my religious beliefs. I believe everything G-d asks of us has a reason, and I could never questions his word. I work in a hospital and I see the way life and death can be taken advantage of by people. I also know that if I ever failed at anything, I could always rely on my beliefs; they are the backbone to who I am.”

melilot, F, Massachusetts, Jewish

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“I grew up in a Christian household, so pretty much from day 1 I understood the basics of what it meant to be a Christian. I remember “asking Jesus into my heart” every day when I was 4 years old, in case it “didn’t work” the time before. But it was not until the summer before my Senior year of high school that I decided to dedicate my life to God. I admit it was mostly for selfish reasons. I realized that when I was saying “no” to God, by putting other priorities before Him, I was passing up on the most amazing relationship I could have, which was a relationship with my creator.”

MET, 23/F, Gloucester, MA, Christian non-denominational

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You Fit Into Me (1971)

you fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

A brilliant poet and author, Margaret Atwood is a master of English language. She does not shy from controversy, and her dystopian novel The Handmaid’s Tail is often eroneously criticized as prophecy of an American Christian theocracy. In this clip from “Bill Moyers: On Faith & Reason”, Atwood uses language to skillfully deconstruct truth in terms of religion.

TIP: The complete interview is better than this clip lets on. At the time of this post, the complete interview can be found on YouTube. Catch it before it is removed.

“Happiness is the reason I seek God - it feels good, so I keep doing it.

It’s not really about ‘believing’ in God. I have first hand experience with the effects of this power in my life; faith is based on first hand experience. There are things in my life that were impossible to do that are now done. The only thing that changed was the addition of prayer, meditation and a couple of other seemingly unrelated spiritual practices.

The thing that most shaped my faith and belief is the passage of time. The more I act based on spiritual principals, the more first-hand experience I get with the positive effects of trusting God. Most days I don’t need faith because I already have experience. Trying to base my actions on the principals of trusting God, personal accountability and being of service to others, regardless of the current state of affairs, has produced good results; I can’t imagine doing things any other way.”

kingink, 45/M, Austin, Texas y’all, none of the above

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projectExist has recived 100 submissions since August 7.

46 submitters identify as Christian (7 of those identify as Catholic)
5 Buddhist
3 Jewish
2 Hindu

72 believe in God
17 in no God
58 in Heaven
33 in reincarnation
49 that God has a plan

“God is within us all; He made us in his image. This does not mean we look like him, this means we are Him. Who is to say He did not create all the myths? Who is to say His name can’t all the names? Who is to say He can only be from one place?”

What experience solidified your beliefs? “I had always looked for whole sand dollars when I went to the beach. I never found them, always the broken ones. It became second nature to scan the sand for them.

One time, when my ex-husband and I went to the beach, we got into a very bad fight. The resentments had been building up and finally they tore through. I ran to a cove on the beach, crying and hitting the downward spiral of depression. I sat on a rock and asked God why this was happening? Why was he allowing this? Did he even exist?

At that moment, I looked down and there were 30 little sand dollars, all whole and complete. The steps I had taken to get on the rock were still there, with the broken sand, and the sand dollars were inside the steps but not broken. Those were the first, and last so far, sand dollars I would ever find on the coast here.”

jeeplassie, 35/F, California, “myself”

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“Most people think I am Christian. But I actually don’t believe the bible is correct. I follow Jesus’s teachings with a twist, because they are basically true, but I think the Nicene Council screwed us out of the facts. There are many ancient societies with tablets recording history that is contrary and also correlating to the bible, the Koran, etc. I believe that the Sumerians, Greeks, Egyptians, Mayans, American Indians etc. hold the historical keys to finding out our truth. Gnosticism is the search for the truth. I’m still confused and searching, I learn more everyday.

I am a psychic, I have been dreaming of the past, present and future since I was a child. I dream of relatives that have passed and it is very real to me, I know that they live on. I dreamt of Jesus and I believe he actually did visit me in a dream, I have also had a waking vision of Buddha and Mother Mary. I sometimes see angels, ghosts, demons and I’ve seen a UFO. I have waking memories of past lives. I sometimes see auras around people and objects. I have to believe that there is more to the universe than just matter, I have too much proof for myself that there is a spiritual self that lives forever. I wish I could prove it to everyone else, but I can’t. My close friends and family know that I have a gift, but I keep most of it to myself so that I don’t appear crazy. I do know that thoughts are creating our reality. I am constantly trying to control and direct my thoughts positively.”

Gnostic Goddess, 43/F, Northern California, Gnostic

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Journaist and Professor Richard Rodriguez is “a noted prose stylist” and “controversial writer”, “who is primarily known for his 1982 book, Hunger of Memory: The Education of Richard Rodriguez“. In this clip from the PBS seires “Bill Moyers: On Faith & Reason”, Rodriguez talks about the dichotomy of being a gay Catholic.

Read the complete interview.

As baby, her parents used marijuana to sedate her. Her father was shot during a drug deal. Her mother abandoned her and her sister. As an adult, her infant son endured heart surgery. It would be understandable if LaDonna were upset with God. “But God is good”, asserts the 24-year-old Texan. This is her extraordinary journey, guided by tragedy and faith.

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you.”

I have had a happy life and never had any experience that turned me into a religious believer or doubter – it is just who I am. I have not had the belief of God since my early teens. I am now 50 and have never thought otherwise. I am sure in my feelings that god is not a belief I have, and can not understand how anyone can be certain of a god.

Jane, 50/F, New England, atheist

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“I came from a physically and mentally abusive background. I spent the majority of my life in some form of addiction - drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, stealing, lying, cheating - if it was wrong, it had my name all over it. Deep seeded depression was a way of life for me.

Every relationship I was in centered on drugs, alcohol and violence. In 1997, I gave up the drugs, but the alcohol wasn’t so easy. I stayed drug free for about 4 years, but was drinking almost a half-gallon of vodka daily.

I am prayed constantly for the Lord to remove alcoholism from me. And, lo and behold, on January 12, 2001, my prayer had been answered; I quit drinking. Unfortunately, I went from alcoholic to full-blown crack addict; I spent the next 3 years chasing the rock. At 49 years old, I lost a job making almost $ 30.00/hour, and I start prostituting to get money for crack.

In January 2003, I start getting arrested - 4 times in 9 months. After my first arrest, I was immediately drawn to the jail ministry. I spent every moment I could in bible study.

My turning point came in September 2003. I was at a hotel smoking crack with a guy. He told me he was 72 years old and been smoking dope for 40 years. It was the most revolting thing. I cried out ‘Lord, please do not let me die on these streets, and please do not let me die an addict.’ I was arrested for my final time September 18, 2003. I knew that was the end of a life of addiction for me.

However, later into his 4th trip to jail, in 2004, I said, “This God thing isn’t for me.” I got rid of all my church books and bibles; everything except one bible. I tossed that one in the drawer closed it and started crying. I cried for about 3 days.

I was walking away from God once again. But, as I lay sleeping one morning, I heard, “I will never leave you. I will never forsake you.” I woke up, because I thought there was a male Guard talking in my ear. Then, I heard it once again, “I will never leave you. I will never forsake you.” I knew that Jesus had spoken to me. My life has never been the same, because Jesus told me that he would never leave me, no matter what.

Now, I am a Church member. I go to school for drug and alcohol counseling with the help of a scholarship from my church. I have been baptized in the Holy Spirit. My prayer would be that this testimony would touch your life.”

Rhonda, 53/F, Winter Park, FL, Pentecostal

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“I see the reason behind all those ‘why me?’ questions. We are here to learn; sometimes the lessons are harsh, and sometimes they are kind.

I have always wanted to ‘know’. I love science, the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of everything and have always asked questions. My mom used to tell people my first word was ‘why?’, not ‘mama’ or ‘daddy’. Yet, I know God exists. I know that there are reasons for the smallest of details, even if I don’t know why. I have studied the world around me my entire life, and I don’t believe what happens here is random. There is too much purpose in ‘how’ and ‘why’ the natural world happens. There is a reason for everything - including the fact that we can’t always see or know that reason. I believe that we are here to make ourselves fit to be with God as friends and companions.”

VN, 47/F, Arkansas, Christian

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“There is a situation in my life that I have yet to mention to my closest family members. I’m afraid of their reaction; I fear that it’ll crush their dreams and expectation of me.  I ask God to forgive me for not being true with my close ones

I came to Florida in 2003; I was 19.  I had always wanted someone in my life, somebody to love me, somebody to be with forever.  I fell in love with this guy who wasn’t right for me.   He used me financially, emotionally, and for drugs.  I was putting myself in very dangerous position.

He ended up in jail and his negative energy came to me.  I spent a day in jail – I stole for no reason.  I’m not that person. I was crying, internally broken, and didn’t know what was happening. I asked, ‘Why me, God?’  Why didn’t God make me focus on my nursing school and allow me achieve good grades, instead of losing all my money to this ‘prince charming’?

Two years later, I met my husband Gary.  When we first met, Gary was sweet and affectionate. He gave me so much love; I completely fell in love with him.

But one day, my faith was taken because of his behavior.  Gary beat me, chocked me, tried to kill me, and raped me.  Not once, but three times in six months.  I still loved him; our love was strong, so we kept on telling each other that we’d make this right.  In his mind, however, he wasn’t right.  He ended up in jail because I finally pressed charges.  more »

Havard Professor “Dr. Armand Nicholi leads a panel of seven thoughtful men and women in a wide-ranging discussion of some of the fundamental questions. What influences us to embrace or reject religious belief? Is the scientific method, as [Sigmund] Freud wrote, the only path to the truth? Does the human longing for God, as [C.S.] Lewis wrote, actually prove that God exists? Do miracles actually happen?”

Watch the Introduction to PBS’s The Question of God.

“I grew up in a Christian family and at 12, my parents divorce crushed me. I began a journey on a downward spiral and wishy-washy relationship with God culminated in an unplanned pregnancy - I was 23, and not married.

I hit a bottom emotionally and spiritually. After all of my sin and mistakes and bad choices, He was there for me. The Lord and I went through some hard times together, but only by His grace am I in this place in my life. I can now say that I am happily married to my baby’s father and we have a son who is 3 and a daughter who is 6 months old. How precious that God can turn what Satan means for harm into a miracle! Thank you to My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

I am definitely impacted by my relationship with the Lord. If I am closer to Him, I am much happier and I have more peace, likewise, if I have drifted away, I am more irritable and restless. Plus, I have hope because I know that I get to spend eternity with Jesus! So no matter how hard or unpleasant things are down here, I know I am going to a better place.

P.S. - You mentioned parroting, but unfortunately I cannot in good conscience avoid referencing the Bible. I believe that it is God talking to us, and it is a major part of my faith. It is a cornerstone that I can and do turn to it often, because I don’t have all the answers. I feel that everything I say should line up with God’s word.”

Renee, 27/F, Phoenix Metro Area, Born Again Christian

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“There have been major ups and downs in my life, and the only time I’ve been ‘up’ is when my relationship with God was strong. He has always picked me up when I’ve fallen; and when I was down for a long time, He allowed me to recover and come back stronger. I am where I am, I am who I am because of God’s work in my life.

I was raised going to church every Sunday. My father was a Baptist pastor. That is why I believe what I do. It was ingrained in me since birth; I simply know that it is right.

I have built myself up, and fallen countless times, but God has never left me.

Some people say they lose faith after something tragic happens. Everything that is possible to have happen to a person, everything that is most horrible, aside from dying, I have been through. Death of family members, car accidents, losing a baby, loss of all possessions, homelessness, drug addiction, rape, abortion, losing jobs, being evicted, being on welfare, dropping out of high school, having my first baby at 15, and two more by the time I was 22, suffering all kinds of abuse (physical, mental, emotional), being in a mental institution, having to deal with death threats from the mafia, financial ruin, debt, having my entire family leave you, being in jail, running from the cops, fighting, having my kids in the foster care system, stealing, lying, cheating and more. God let me go through it to make me stronger, so that I would be able to fight the next battle. And I have won the war. Everything I’ve listed there, I’ve overcome. I’ve succeeded and surpassed all.”

absolutviolet, 25/F, Central Florida, Christian
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“God exist because he communicates with me daily; he heals me , meets my needs, and brings me peace, love and joy.  I have had numerous healings medically documented.  As a young adult, I made several very bad life choices, but I always knew that God’s hand was upon me.   In 1984, I came to the realization that my life was not working well without God, and I made a commitment to serve him with all of my heart.  I have never regretted it.  God has brought me to that place where I take responsibility for my life; I do not blame Him or others for my decisions and choices. It is liberating.”

Tori, 57F, Mesa, Arizona, On Fire, Born Again Jesus Freak

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READ PART ONE

In part two of projectExist’s interview, LaDonna describes her current relationship with her biological mother and talks about the most influential person in her life, her grandmother.

projectExist: Do you know where your biological mother is now?

LD: My mother, I am proud to say, has cleaned up her act. She’s remarried and lives not to far from me. She took my sister and me to lunch one day, girls only - we left our husbands at home.

She apologized for everything, especially the way she treated us. She explained to us our father’s death and told intimate details about him that we never knew. My sister has still not forgiven her completely and sometimes has a hard time continuing the relationship. But I have forgiven her. She has two other children, a little younger than us, and her husband has a daughter my age. We are friends with all of them and are fairly close.

projectExist: When did things start to change in your life, religiously?

LD: My Grandma, “Mammer”[adoptive mother’s mom], lived in Texas. My [adoptive] parents started visiting her. They also started visiting her church, the one that prayed for me when I was sick. My parents repented their sins and received the gift of the Holy Ghost. They were baptized in Jesus’s name and changed their lives.

I got the Holy Ghost November 14th, 1991. I was 9 yrs old. This faith that I found as a child has been with me through my life; it has sustained me. I dealt with a lot of bitterness over my biological Dad’s death and my biological mother abandoning us – very difficult for a child to comprehend.

I thank God now; [continued] more »

“Most people don’t know Taoism, and I assume you’re like them. ‘God’ exists as a human construct to explain the energy force that binds the universe. Because it’s too much for minds to comprehend, it had to have a man made structure that was simpler to understand.”

Patricia, 50+/F, Central Florida, Taoist

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I do believe that gods or higher beings exist. I believe in Odin and all of the Norse deities. It is hard for those around me to accept the fact that I am a pagan. I was raised Catholic and most Catholics are against polytheistic religions. I bet people around me would think that I was certifiable if they knew that I thought Odin talked to me.

Odin is not a creator in my mind, more of a guide in life. I don’t think he has a plan. He is there for me when I need guidance. I believe in love for all, acceptance of all, respect for all (and when I say all, I mean people, plants, earth, everything in the universe). The religion I was raised in did not provide such beliefs. I have very little blind faith, which is why I am not into religion. I do have conversations with Odin and I know he is there for me.  However, I refuse to allow my spirituality define me.

Anonymous, 27/F, Southwest, Odinist/Atheist

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As baby, her parents used marijuana to sedate her. Her father was shot during a drug deal. Her mother abandoned her and her sister. As an adult, her infant son endured heart surgery. It would be understandable if LaDonna were upset with God. “But God is good”, asserts the 24-year-old Texan. This is her extraordinary journey, guided by tragedy and faith. In part one of our interview, LaDonna shares with projectExist the shocking details of her early childhood.

projectExist: Where were you born?

LaDonna: I was born in Oakland, California. Alameda Naval Base. My Dad was in the Marines.

projectExist: And your parents didn’t take good care of you?

LD: My parents were into drugs, alcohol and other things when I was born; they were not quite mature enough to take on a baby. Yet, they dragged me into their party scene. For several reasons, I became a very sick baby. The Doctor said I was a sick baby and didn’t expect me to make it.

projectExist: What were the “several reasons” that made you a sick baby?

LD: My mother was breastfeeding me, and she was often high or drunk. She didn’t realize until it was almost too late that I had lost a lot of weight and was very ill.

My parents would want to party or do something. And if I started crying and became a nuisance, they would inhale Marijuana and cup their hands around my face and exhale the smoke until I breathed in enough to pass out. You do that long enough to a baby, instead of feeding it, and you will kill it. Not to mention, the brain damage that could cause. But God is good. I have no damage at all, and a high IQ. I love to learn a new word once a week - one that I have to explain to use it! Ha! [continued…]
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2. The Catechism
Q. and A. come back. They ‘formed my mind’.
‘Who is my neighbour?’ ‘My neighbour is all mankind’.

Excerpted from Seamus Heaney’s “Ten Glosses“.

“No one would think I had a belief set just by observing me. I was raised Christian, and say that I am one, but I really don’t think I am at all. I’m not agnostic and I never do organized prayer. Don’t get me wrong - there is a higher being. I talk to ‘someone’; Occasionally, I even acknowledge this being as God.

I know God exists because:

A.) When I was in college, I attempted suicide by overdosing on prescription drugs. I was rushed to the hospital where they gave me a blood test, had me drink charcoal, and watched me overnight. I was discharged the next day because they found nothing in my blood.

B.) A few years later, my religious life was non-existent. I experienced abuse at the hands of the people with whom I lived. [continued…] more »

“It’s ok with me if God exists.

I was an ordained Protestant minister. After leaving a position, I attended and was active in a church for a year. Then, for a couple of years, I went only to Christmas Eve services, but no longer.”

Experience that defined your beliefs? “Seeing several ministers rejected by congregations (beginning when I was in junior high). And then it happened to me; it shattered my faith.

I don’t care to return to organized religion. I’m better off now.”

Buck, 46/M, Philadelphia suburbs, None

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“I feel certain that God has had His hand on my life from the very beginning. When I have prayed for healing or cried out for relief from emotional pain, my prayers have always been answered.”

“I was an addict living on the streets in San Diego. I was pregnant, homeless and strung out. When I overdosed and didn’t die, I felt sure that something greater exists. I prayed that somehow God would help me change my life and that this baby would not die - even if she wasn’t healthy. I begged ‘please give me a chance to love and raise her.’

I went to prison until my baby was born. And even though I used heavily during my first 4 months, I prayed faithfully the last 5 that God would help her be healthy. My baby girl was born perfect, healthy and vibrant. She is now a ‘straight A’ student. I can see God in my daughter’s beautiful face and I can feel Him inside my heart. When I left prison, I went into a Christian rehab with my brand new baby. We lived and learned that, with God in our lives, everything is not only possible, but more blessings come than we hope for.

Later, I had a healthy boy. Although I never used any substances during his pregnancy, my son turned out to have special needs. It’s a blessing; I know he was given to me because I can handle him and understand his ways. He is so different from other kids and it doesn’t matter to me. I still love him just the same. Perhaps a little bit more because he brought about the strength in me that could only come from God. I can handle everything we go through because I pray - staying clean and sober is only my greatest achievement after the raising of my children…” [Continued]
Adrienne, 40/F, Just outside of Philly, Christian

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The following is an email I received; it is a follow up to the posting titled “The gun went off, and shot right through my son’s car seat”. Click “view profile” to read the whole letter.

“Let me start by telling you that I took your survey. One thing that I did not find a way to express in the survey was the dilemma I find myself in religiously at this point in my life.

I joined the LDS Church (Mormons) as a young girl, and met and married an LDS boy. He abandoned me after 17 years of horrible marriage. And now I am single, raising one of my four grandchildren, the child of our teenaged son.

The divorce was devastating for our son and me. I barely survived - and only by the grace of God. Our son, unfortunately, turned his loneliness onto girls, and now we are all paying.

Anyway, here is my religious dilemma: I do not fit into the Mormon scheme of things. I despise men, and I have no intentions of marrying one again. I have not become a lesbian, though my family accuses me of it. They are not Mormon, only my ex’s family was, so I am out here in the land of the disenfranchised.

I cannot find a Christian church that believes what I was taught in the Mormon Church - teachings that I deeply believe in.

For instance, I learned that we all came from somewhere, and we all are going somewhere else. more »

“I know God is there for me. Every time I think something is as bad as it can be, He gets me through it. When I’ve no idea where I’ll get the money for, let’s say, my house payment, He always provides it somehow. (I’m not homeless yet)! When my 16-year-old daughter’s car rolled on the freeway at 75 miles an hour (five times), she walked away with only sore muscles. He had to have had angels around her.

Recently, a car hit my dog, a Maltese puppy that was my best friend and companion. I couldn’t understand how God would let that happen; He knows how much I loved that puppy. Then, He told me that because I’ve recently joined a new church, Satan doesn’t like that. Satan doesn’t want me hungry for Jesus; he wants me distracted. God told me that He wouldn’t allow Satan to physically hurt my children, my husband, or me; that’s why Satan caused the accident.

I refuse to let Satan destroy my relationship with God. I will praise Him in this storm!”

Lisa, 42/F, East Central Minnesota, Born Again Christian

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“I know God is real. He is intimately aware of us, our trials, our thoughts, and our innermost fears and needs. I know this because He alone saved my life when I tried to commit suicide. He saved my son from being shot.

When I was 21, I had a two-year-old son who loved to go with his father out shooting targets in the desert. The night before one such trip, I had terrible nightmares that kept waking me up, but I could not remember what they were about. The next morning, as we were getting ready for them to go shooting, I had a terrible weight on my chest. I couldn’t put my finger on what was causing it. Then, my son began running away from us as we tried taking him out to his car seat. He squished himself way behind the couch and refused to go with his father. Enraged, my ex stomped out and left without my son.

Several hours later, my ex came stumbling back into the house - his ears bleeding, deaf, and glassy eyed. A gun misfired in the back of the station wagon. After he had everything else loaded, he remembered that he did not put the safety on one gun. He reached back to pick up the gun to engage the safety. The gun went off, and shot right through my son’s car seat, through the driver’s seat, and blew out all the driver’s side windows.

I know that God had tried to warn me with the nightmares. However, I was not tuned in well enough to understand them. When I couldn’t hear His warnings, He made our son run away. My son would have been shot and killed in that horrific accident that cost my ex his hearing in one ear. They went on many shooting trips after this accident, but my son never acted like this again before a trip. This can’t be explained scientifically!”

SunRiseSister, 46/F, Southwest. Follower of Christ

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