projectExist: Where were you born?

LaDonna: I was born in Oakland, California. Alameda Naval Base. My Dad was in the Marines.

projectExist: And your parents didn’t take good care of you?

LD: My parents were into drugs, alcohol and other things when I was born; they were not quite mature enough to take on a baby. Yet, they dragged me into their party scene. For several reasons, I became a very sick baby. The Doctor said I was a sick baby and didn’t expect me to make it.

projectExist: What were the “several reasons” that made you a sick baby?

LD: My mother was breastfeeding me, and she was often high or drunk. She didn’t realize until it was almost too late that I had lost a lot of weight and was very ill.

My parents would want to party or do something. And if I started crying and became a nuisance, they would inhale Marijuana and cup their hands around my face and exhale the smoke until I breathed in enough to pass out. You do that long enough to a baby, instead of feeding it, and you will kill it. Not to mention, the brain damage that could cause. But God is good. I have no damage at all, and a high IQ. I love to learn a new word once a week - one that I have to explain to use it! Ha!

projectExist: The doctor didn’t expect you to make it?

LD: My mother called my aunt and uncle (her oldest brother) crying, saying she was scared and she had ruined her life and killed her baby. That night, my aunt flew to California to be with my mother in case I died.

projectExist: Yet, you are here today.

LD: The church my grandma attended learned of my illness and started praying. By midnight, the doctor said I would go home the next day - a complete turnaround had been made.

projectExist: That wouldn’t be the last time drugs caused your parents trouble?

LD: No, my Dad got dishonorable discharge from the Armed Forces. Possession of illegal drugs. So, back to Texas we moved.

Not long after, on Dec. 29th 1983, my parents were in Fort Worth. My Dad was trying to buy some marijuana for my mother, who was 6 months pregnant with my little sister. An 18-year-old boy came out of a nearby apartment with a gun. He attempted to rob my father through the open drivers window of the vehicle. My Dad tried to escape. He threw the car into reverse and started to back up, thinking he could do it quickly enough to get away. However, the boy realized what my dad was doing and shot him in the neck. He was immediately paralyzed from the neck down. His body and legs stiffened in reaction. His foot hit the gas, driving the car backward across the highway. My mother was able to scoot across and kick his leg off the gas and drive them to a nearby convenience store where an ambulance was called.

He lived for almost a year. He Died on October 8th, 1984. He could communicate enough through mouthing his words and eye motions to let them know he wanted a preacher to pray with him. He had been a Christian previous to getting involved in drugs and drinking. He prayed as best he could and changed some things in his life before he passed.

I am sitting here crying just writing this, it’s hard to talk about sometimes. But its good to clean out I guess.

projectExist: What happened after your biological father passed away?

LD: My mother moved in with my aunt and uncle (the ones she called from California). She soon abandoned my little sister and me for drugs, men, and new parties every night.

My Aunt and Uncle became Momma and Daddy to us. They were afraid that my mother was going to take us to some party forget where she was and leave us.

When my Aunt and Uncle said they were going to move to Arkansas, my mother said “take the girls, I cant handle kids”. My aunt and uncle quickly gained legal guardianship, then permanent custody of both of us. They became a stable lifeline for two lost little girls. We were loved, taken care of, and pampered there. We moved to a small town in Arkansas where everyone knew everyone. Our child hood became happy and secure.

projectExist: At the time your biological mother left you, were you old enough to realize what was going on? Do you rembember your mom being there, and then one day being gone?

LD: I dont remember much about that to be honest. What I tell you is based on what my Mamma [adoptive mom] told me. I cried a lot for my “other mommy”. I would ask where she was and when she was coming back. The few times I saw [my biological mother] at funerals, weddings, etc, I made a big fuss about not wanting to leave her. Mamma says I was about 6 when I stopped that.

The only thing I remember is [my biological mom] trying to tell me that she was my mother and not that other woman, and that I could come live with her. But she never came. She would call and tell us she would pick us up and take us to Disney World. My sister and me would be packed and waiting, and she never showed up. Took her other kids and friends instead.

My Mamma would hold us and just cry and tell us she was sorry that it hurt, and that if she could, she would take us anywhere we wanted to go.

The week after that, [my adoptive parents] took my sister and me on a weeklong family vacation to several different theme parks: Nasa Space Center, The Alamo, Sea World and tons more places. We had the time of our lives. And I never once thought about my biological Mom. To me, as a 11 year old girl, I was in heaven with my real family - the only family that mattered. They loved me and they showed it.

projectExist: Do you know where your biological mother is now?

LD: My mother, I am proud to say, has cleaned up her act. She’s remarried and lives not to far from me. She took my sister and me to lunch one day, girls only - we left our husbands at home.

She apologized for everything, especially the way she treated us. She explained to us our father’s death and told intimate details about him that we never knew. My sister has still not forgiven her completely and sometimes has a hard time continuing the relationship. But I have forgiven her. She has two other children, a little younger than us, and her husband has a daughter my age. We are friends with all of them and are fairly close.

projectExist: When did things start to change in your life, religiously?

LD: My Grandma, “Mammer”[adoptive mother’s mom], lived in Texas. My [adoptive] parents started visiting her. They also started visiting her church, the one that prayed for me when I was sick. My parents repented their sins and received the gift of the Holy Ghost. They were baptized in Jesus’s name and changed their lives.

I got the Holy Ghost November 14th, 1991. I was 9 yrs old. This faith that I found as a child has been with me through my life; it has sustained me. I dealt with a lot of bitterness over my biological Dad’s death and my biological mother abandoning us – very difficult for a child to comprehend.

I thank God now; I can see where He had his hand on my sister and me, placing us in a safe home. Since I received the Holy Ghost, I have been able to forgive many people for hurting me. To name a few, I forgave my father for allowing himself to get shot for drugs, and my mother for putting in that situation, then abandoning us. And the boy who killed my father; that was the hardest one. But through my faith and the help of God and my parents, I did it.

Years later my [adoptive] dad became a pastor of an Apostolic church.

projectExist: “Mammer” seems to have played a very important role in your life. Tell us more about your grandmother.

LD: The first thing I remember about my Mammer was her fishing with me in Arkansas. She came to visit in her little brown beat up station wagon. We caught grasshoppers and fished in our stock pond. We sang to the fish: “Here fishy-fishy! I got a worm fishy-fishiy!” We had a lot of fun.

My next and most poignant memory of her would be sitting in Church. Her telling me I had eaten all her open Certs and she wasn’t going to open a new one for me. Also, leaning over the pew with my butt up in the air smiling at a boy under the pew. She smacked my bottom for all the church to see and told me I was showing everyone my Barbie underwear. She told me not to budge again. I didn’t, ‘cause I knew she meant it.

She had a purple paddle in her purse that would put the fear of God into any child. She would paddle me at the blink of an eye; but she would pull me onto her lap at the blink of an eye, and hold me and rock me. When I scraped my knees after jumping off her picnic table, she hid her smile at my ridiculous efforts and pulled me into her lap. After cleaning and bandaging my wounds, she rocked me and said over and over “God Love, God Love”. She said that often to us grandkids. Anything that needed attention and ‘fixing up’ - lost puppies, birds that fell from nests - they all qualified for a sympathetic “God Love”. I’m still not sure what she meant, but it always made me feel better. Still does.

projectExist: What was your relationship with Mammer like when you became older?

LD: When I was 15, Mammer became very ill. We spent nearly every day at her house. I was determined to be just like her to learn all I could from her. I told her often that she was my Hero and I meant it. I spent every moment I could, sitting Indian style in front of her recliner, talking and laughing with her. She taught me to crochet, clean, and to tell jokes and make people smile. She taught me to be honest even when it hurts, especially with myself.

Most importantly, she taught me about God. I listened to her pray and I loved it. I can still hear the way she run “Sweet Jesus” together when she was crying out to God. She could get up from praying with tears on her face. And blow her nose and say, “Well aren’t I pretty?” I always told her she was. Then she would say, “I know. Cindy Crawford ain’t got nothing on me!” Ha! She was 74 and had never put make up on her face and never cut her hair. Never put pants on and never cared what people thought of it.

Her condition weakened; she had to be in a wheelchair. My family and I took her everywhere she wanted to go. We would take her through the mall and I would pop wheelies with her wheel chair. She loved it. People thought we were nuts (imagine how it looked). But she would laugh. I would try to take her into the “teen scene” stores like Claire’s, but she would say, “Don’t bother, you cant possibly be as cool as I am”. In that year and a half I fell into almost a hero worship for my Mammer.

projectExist: What happened to Mammer?

LD: On July 11th, right as church started that night, she went to be with Jesus and her sweet husband that had been gone for over 40 years. She never quit loving her husband.

The last words she said was ” Don’t you girls worry ‘bout me. I’ll see ya soon. Look for me on the highest mountain you can find when you get there, ‘cause Ill be sitting there watching all my children walk into the pearly gates one by one. The dead in Christ will rise first, so in a few minutes, Ill have one up on all of you.” She then gave a soft laugh, closed her eyes, smiled, and was gone.

She had a beautiful smile on her face; I didn’t see it though. I was so upset. I knew what was coming so I ran from the house fighting the emotion welling up in my chest and throat. I jumped into the car with one of my aunts and said, “Please take me with you. I can’t stay”

So I left. I went out that night with my friends to the Waffle House; I sat there for hours laughing and joking. I was hilariously funny. Everyone was rolling. Nobody knew how much I was hurting. Only when I got home into my own bed that night did I let it go. I cried for the next 2 weeks solid. My best friend was gone.”

projectExist: What is the story behind your son’s birth?

LD: I started on the birth control pill, and it didn’t agree with me. I started gaining weight and was very ‘crabby’. I started having a fake ‘morning sickness’ from the pills - the doctor said it was because the hormones make your body think its pregnant. My husband thought he had married the devils sister. I quit sleeping with my husband. In fact I ended up with a blanket and pillow in the bathroom floor most nights. I was horribly irritable and I wasn’t even myself. I became very depressed, withdrawn, and when I did express myself, it was through fits of anger and outbursts. I would cry for hours. I wasn’t myself; I hated myself.

I told my doctor I was having harsh side effects. He asked, “Why hasn’t your gynecologist taken you off the pill?” I didn’t know. She told me all women go through this, its normal. My doctor told me to come off the pill as soon as possible.

I went home and before I would tell my husband anything, he sat me down and said he wanted me to come off the pill immediately. I told him what the doctor had said,but I balked. I didn’t want to get pregnant yet. My husband grabbed the pills out of my purse and flushed them. He said, “I don’t care if we have a baby, I can’t stay married to you like this!”

When we decided it was time to have a child, almost three years passed, and I was worried that I was sterile. My heart ached to have a baby. I cried, I prayed, and I bawled begging God for a child. I told my husband “I love you more than life. Nobody makes me happy like you, but part of my heart still aches my arms ache for a baby.”

I was reading the story of Hannah in the bible. She prayed, “Lord, look upon the affliction of thy handmaid, If you will forget not thy handmaid, and will give unto me a man child. I will give him back to you.”

I thought about it. And I prayed the same thing, “God, if you will open up my womb to bare a child, I will give him back to you, I will teach him to serve you and to love you. I will do my best to raise him to be whatever you need. If you need a preacher, I’ll teach him to preach the truth. And my husband will teach him by example (my husband is a preacher). In fact, I’ll name him Samuel, as Hannah did, and I’ll tell everyone that asks: God game him to me. (Samuel means ‘heard by God’, referring to the fact that God heard Hannah’s prayers)

I told my husband about the vow I had made. He said, “In the Old Testament, when a woman made a vow, it was only a vow if her husband agreed with her.” My husband looked into my eyes and said, “I agree”. He said it was bold of me to make a vow like that. I said I was a bold woman, and my son would be bold and brave, too. That’s where the idea to name him Caleb came from; it means ‘bold’.

6 weeks later when my period hadn’t come, I thought it was just another one of those things; my periods were never on time. I got very sick and told my husband to pick up some painkillers. I was so sick. I was taking a pill and going to bed.

He got the painkillers, but he also brought home a pregnancy test. He said, “If you’re pregnant, you don’t need painkillers.” I rolled my eyes and told him I was not pregnant. I took the test, and handed it to him. I went for a glass of water so I could take my pills as soon as the test read negative.

I came into the bedroom and my husband said, “LaDonna, It says your pregnant” I laughed in disbelief. “I’m not playing, I promise. Come look.” I did. My first thought was that he had a pink high lighter and changed the result; but he wouldn’t do that.

I threw my arms around his neck and started bawling and laughing and thanking God all at the same time. I took the test to church that night and showed my mom, and my husband told my Dad. We were so happy.

I had a normal pregnancy. I was in labor for almost 13 hours. But it ended in almost no painkillers and an emergency c-section. The pain medication wore off and I had to grit my teeth and moan through the rest. I could feel the doctor stitching my stomach. I could feel the wedding band on her finger against my stomach.

I’m not physically capable of having a child naturally, I will always have to have a C’ Section. My pelvic structure is too small. Additionally, the hard labor tore up my insides it would be difficult have another baby.

While I was holding my son for the first time, his pediatrician said there was a heart problem and he had to be isolated for jaundice. I was devastated.

Later, my pain medication started making me hallucinate; I kept waking up thinking my baby was dead, screaming horrified that they buried him without telling me or letting me hold him. They had to take me off all meds for a while.

The following week my son had a heart surgery for pulmonary valve stenosis. The plan was to run a balloon through the vein in my son’s leg going to his heart. The skin flags that allow blood to flow in the artery between Caleb’s heart and lung hadn’t developed properly. They had to go in and rip the skin flags open; it would be a long surgery. Might have to do it two or three times to succeed. We had churches and saints all over America praying.

A short time later, my husband and me to were called to the doctor’s office. The doctor played video of a sonogram showing how he went through the vein and started to open it up. But before the balloon inflated completely, the skin and valves opened by themselves, almost as if something opened them before the balloon could do it. The doctor said, “Frankly I’m amazed. I’ve never seen anything like this. This was some thick skin it couldn’t have done that on its own. Al I can say is I’m not taking credit for this one!” I knew once again God had answered my prayers.

A few weeks ago, I took my son to his cardiologist. And he couldn’t believe his eyes. The cardiologist said, “Your son is huge! Most babies that have this surgery grow to be small; this blows my mind!” God had answered a prayer I hadn’t even known to pray yet! He also said his heart is perfect – a clean bill of health. If you didn’t know this child’s medical history, you would never know looking at the heart that he had surgery. No scar tissue, no nothing. Its perfect. Isn’t God good? To have given me my son, Caleb Samuel?

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